


Read the Fine Print

by Dream_Wreaver



Series: Bridging the Gap [1]
Category: Beetlejuice (TV 1989), Beetlejuice - All Media Types, Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: C'mon it's Beetlejuice, Some sexual innuendo, musical spoilers, some strong language, what did you expect?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-09 18:43:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20123095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dream_Wreaver/pseuds/Dream_Wreaver
Summary: By the Musical's end, everything seems to have worked out. Lydia learned her lesson. Beetlejuice learned his. And there was the unspoken agreement they would never see each other again. But in the end, it's Juno who has the last laugh.





	Read the Fine Print

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so I managed to find a bootleg of the musical as well as listen to the soundtrack and just got inspired. I wanted to try and bridge the musical-verse with the cartoon-verse, since BJ's characterization is remarkably similar. If I continue to write it'll probably be in an aged up hybrid of the two. This is my first Beetlejuice fic, so go easy on me please. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

It was a funny thing for Lydia to look back on the events of that so-called wedding day. She’d become friends with a demon, used his powers to scare the shit out of her father and Delia, her father’s investors, and for three days anyone who would come to the front door. Beetlejuice was fun -a deranged, psychopathic and chaotic fun- she had to admit; but he was also immensely clingy. He was one of the loneliest people she knew, and considering she knew herself, that was saying something. Thinking back to that night on the roof, he’d been so happy that someone alive had been able to see him. And unlike Adam and Barbara, he’d never been alive to make his mark on the world around him. Well, not until she’d agreed to marry him in order to get rid of him. Then again, in the what, two minutes since he’d been alive there was nothing but memories to prove it. A demon who wanted to turn human, wasn’t that an ironic twist. But he had no birth certificate, no documentation that had proved he’d ever existed as a human, brief though that existence was.

Then again, he’d been completely unprepared for everything being human had entailed. Which made Lydia wondered, he seemed to feel a lot of things, or had it all been show? If she thought too hard about it, it gave her a headache. Six months, it had only been six months. Six months since everything had happened, a year since mom had died. Funny, how she seemed to categorize everything as of yet by those two incidents. Though when she talked to the Maitlands or her father about it, they told her it was because she was young and these were major events which had happened to her in quick succession. It was only natural, but Lydia had the feeling the whole Beetlejuice incident would remain a marker of life for many years to come. But at least it was something she could look back on like a child’s nightmare, instead of the recurring one it had every threat of being.

Or so she thought. She’d been alone in her darkroom, listening to some Voltaire when she heard it. Or perhaps felt it was a better description. That tingling sensation across the back of her neck, like she was being watched by unseen eyes. Lydia turned in the direction and heard the creaking of a door as it opened in the wall. Eerie green light and low hanging fog emerged, blocked by the backlit body of someone standing in the doorway, their shadow stretching long and menacing into the darkness. Out he stepped, in that striped suit, looking the same as ever. Same filthy clothes, same wild green hair, same sunken eyes and devil may care grin. He was looking at her, a mixture of cocky confidence and a glimmer of genuine happiness light in his hellfire eyes. He brushed a few specks of the dirt caked on his jacket, pulling out the lapels as though he were straightening them.

He smirked, “Hey babes,” he greeted as he leaned against the doorframe, “Ya miss me?”

Lydia was speechless. She thought he had learned his lesson. She thought that living for two minutes and then her murdering him by physically impaling him on bad art would have been enough to make him leave her the hell alone. He’d certainly caused enough chaos while being here, but seemed content to leave things as he had left them, and those left behind to pick up the pieces. But, but, this… this…

“How?” she managed to sputter out, “I thought- you, you _ left _!”

“I did,” he acknowledged, “But hell,” there came a shrug and suddenly he was on top of her, squeezing her tightly, “I just couldn’t stay away from you schnookums!”

She had to repress the urge to gag, even though his smell was unbearable, “Get off me,” she pushed herself out of his grip, “What the hell are you doing here?” she narrowed her eyes at him, “I mean, you left, with no intentions on ever coming back. Aren’t you a ghost now? Or a demon, or whatever the hell it is you are? Why would you even _ want _ to come back here?”

“Welp, couldn’t just leave my cute little wife all by her lonesome, now could I?” he asked, sidling up to her.

“What are you talking about?” Lydia asked him, “We got married, you got brought to life and then I killed you. And if I recall correctly, the vows are ‘Til death do us part’, so I’m not your _ anything _ anymore.”

“Yeah…” Beetlejuice replied, scratching the back of his head and looking a mite sheepish for once in his life, “A_ bout _ that…”

“What ‘about that’?” Lydia’s eyes were so narrow she was glaring at him, “What did you trick me into?”

“I didn’t exactly trick ya into nothin’” Beetlejuice argued, “You agreed to marry me,”

“By extortion,”

“Well, according to _ some _ people, those details don’t matter,” he grumbled.

“People like who?”

“People like me,” a third, gravelly and familiar voice cut in. Lydia turned back to the portal and saw Juno standing in the doorway. Well, standing and leaning, since one of her legs was still missing below the knee. One hand on her cane and a cigarette in her other the old bureaucracy demon lady slowly took a drag that exhaled through the gash across her throat, “Nice to see you again dearie. Seems we need to have a little chat,”

Lydia’s eyes widened, “Dad!” she called in that slightly nervous tone of voice, only turning her head just enough so that her voice would carry back upstairs. Clearly this needed to be a family affair.

BJ BJ BJ

They were settled in the living room. Her father and Delia huddled on one side of the couch, the Maitlands on the other, with her sitting prim and proper in the middle, hands clasped together like a scolded child. Juno and Beetlejuice stood across from them, Juno resting her weight heavily against the back of one of their dining chairs. She was smoking again, the same cigarette or was it a new one, Lydia hadn’t seen her change it, but she doubted the nicotine stick was as magic as either her or her son. Speaking of, Beetlejuice -the actual child in this situation all things considered- was standing there; all slumped shoulders, folded arms, and scowling like a petulant kid. But if he’d inherited anything from his mother, it was the way to build the tension. For a long time, she simply stood there, not saying anything, just pulling drags off her nicotine stick. When it felt like everyone was at their most high strung, that was when she spoke,

“Alright, enough pleasantries,” she said, stabbing out the cigarette on the table and pulling another lit one out of thin air, “We have business to attend to.”

Adam and Barbara, always the peacekeepers, looked chastised, “Look Miss ah, Juno? We’re sorry about the whole sandworm thing…”

“Ah,” she cut them off, waving it off and dispersing smoke through the room. It now smelled like death and nicotine, “Water under the bridge. Though uh, I would like my leg back you know.”

“Oh, right!” Adam disappeared up the stairs and reappeared a moment with the severed leg. Why they had kept it, was uncertain, “Sorry, we thought you might be back for it. Just, maybe a little sooner,”

“Surprisingly enough,” Juno remarked, “It _ does _ take time to fully reconstitute after being eaten by a sandworm,”

“Speaking of,” Adam added as he brought the limb over to her, “How did you-”

“Sandworms only eat ghosts honey,” Juno replied, “I’m not a ghost anymore, I’m a demon. Still got the ghostly scent, eh,” she shrugged, “Some things ya just can’t wash off. Anyways, junior,” she turned her attention to Beetlejuice, “Come help me out with this will ya?”

Beetlejuice sighed, “Yes mom,” he took the limb from Adam, doing something in the process that caused the other man to jump and back away with an affronted glare and set it up on the chair. Juno lifted her skirt enough to get the stump out and then they reconnected the leg to the rest of the body.

Juno pulled back her now whole leg, rotating the ankle to make sure everything was working properly, “Ah,” she sighed, “Much better. Now,” she looked sternly at the others, “As I was saying, I don’t blame anyone here for the sandworm thing. Well, no one except my son, but considering that took more balls than he’s had in a while, it’s something that I can forgive. And speaking of balls,” she side-eyed her son, “It seems he had far more balls than I ever gave him credit for. Marrying a living girl, you can’t imagine the stir it caused down at the office. You are such a headache and I shouldn’t even be able to _ feel _ pain anymore.”

“But, we…” Lydia began to protest, only to be silenced by the others interceding on her behalf,

“This is ridiculous,” her father outraged, “This was a marriage of convenience,”

“He explicitly said it was so he could join the world of the living,” Adam added.

“And then he did and Lydia murdered him,” Barbara finished, “Well, technically we all had a hand in that, but still.”

“Yeah,” Juno agreed, “Problem is, is that she _ did _ marry him.”

“But, but he died!” Delia sputtered, “We all saw him die!”

“Doesn’t mean much when he was already dead when she married him,” Juno countered.

“But she was under aged!” Charles argued.

“Did you or did you not say you gave your blessing?” Juno raised a brow at him.

“Well, yes, I did,” Charles stammared, “But that was all part of the ruse!”

“Doesn’t matter,” Juno parried, “You still verbally gave your blessing, and down here we follow the letter of the law, not the spirit -no pun intended. Thing is, your daughter married Beetlejuice; they said their vows, he put a ring on her finger, and she said I do. And since he was dead when they got hitched, the whole ‘til death do us part’ bit isn’t exactly applicable. It’s rendered null and void as a dealbreaker in the afterlife,”

“But Beetle-” Lydia began before cutting herself off, “He’s still dead, a ghost, demon… thing. He still has power and the deranged creativity to pull off some… seriously funny,” noticing the disapproving stares of her four parental units she quickly changed her opinion, “I mean um, seriously mean scares. Anyways, even if we’re technically married, I can’t be with a psychotic monster, and why bother telling us any of this anyways?”

“Call it my little slice of revenge,” Juno replied, “For the sandworm incident, as well as all the paperwork I had to deal with for this whole stupid ordeal. Next time, don’t go messing with the dead. Now, I’m trying to be a little nice and explain the parameters of the situation so you’re not totally in the dark. Even though by all rights, I should leave ya dead in the water. Anyways; Beetlejuice is still constrained by his old restraints, he’s invisible to most living people, and can only be summoned by saying his name three times. However,” she added, “There is a bit more of an inhibitor on him,” and this part she aimed straight at Lydia, “You,”

“Me?” Lydia was confused.

“As his wife, you are entitled to a small fraction of his powers, namely, you can cross to the otherside bypassing all the red tape,” Juno looked slightly disgruntled, “You can also set the limits on how dangerous his powers can get.”

“What?” Lydia couldn’t believe it, and apparently, neither could Beetlejuice. Because, “What!” was the same thing that came out of his mouth, though its tone was completely different.

Juno sighed, taking a drag on her cigarette, “Let me explain this in a way that you both will understand; dog,” she pointed the cancer stick at her son, “Meet short leash.”

“This is bullshit!” Beetlejuice cursed.

“Yeah, well,” Juno shrugged smugly, “Maybe next time you should read the fine print before making such a stupid decision. Anyways, there are a couple of other things,”

“Wait, wait, wait just a moment,” Beetlejuice cut in, “If I have to sit here and listen to this crap I’m gonna do it with my wife at my side,” he snapped his fingers and suddenly he was squished beside her on the couch, sidled in right next to Adam and Barbara.

“Ew, no,” Lydia wrinkled her nose as the Maitlands jumped off, holding each other tightly, “Get away from me,”

“Aww, but babycakes!” he protested.

“Beetlejuice,” Juno warned, “Unless you wanna really tie yourself in bureaucratic knots, I’d do as the little lady says,”

“I don’t have to listen to her!” he argued, “I don’t have to listen to her, or you, or anyone else in this godforsaken place. C’mere Lyds,” he pulled her towards him, intent on plastering a big sloppy kiss all over her face. But she recoiled and as he reached for her chin he jumped like he’d just been shocked.

“What the fuck!” he exclaimed, looking at his crispy finger.

“Ha!” Juno laughed, “You really don’t learn do ya? And you wondered why I’d pick booze over you any day,”

“Mind explaining this part then?” Lydia asked.

“Sure, there’s the thing. You might be married, but he can’t touch ya,” Juno replied.

“What?” Beetlejuice cut in, “We’re married, why not?”

“Because she’s underage you twit,” Juno snarled at him, “You might be married, but since ya married a minor you gotta wait until she’s of the age of full consent in the world of the living. Which is ah, what again?” she looked at the living folks for help.

“Twenty one,” Charles supplied without a second thought. The longer he could keep this creep’s hands off his daughter the better. At least until they found a way to undo this thing entirely, “And why can’t she just divorce him?”

“You don’t really get the whole, ‘til death do us part part of the afterlife, do ya?” Juno asked, taking another drag, “Y’see, until someone dies, their first spouse is their original spouse.”

“And what about any kids that the second spouse might have with them?” Delia asked.

“What does it matter?” Juno asked, “It’s not like you leave anything behind to a dead person. We deal with those that come before their parents if that’s their situation. But in this case, Beetle’s relative freedom -which means being allowed limited presence in the living world when not summoned- is contingent upon little Lydia keeping her pulse going. If ya wanted a divorce, they’d have to remarry in the land of the dead and then do it. But ya have to know that if she’s dead, the age thing and marriage issues get a little sticky, even for bureaucracy. Your best bet to keep my son’s grimy hands off your girl is to keep her heart kickin’.”

“So basically, we’re screwed,” Lydia deadpanned.

“Lydia!” the adults gasped.

“What?” she countered, “I’m fifteen,”

“Wait, you’re _ fifteen _?” Beetlejuice asked.

“Yeah, what of it?”

“I mean, I knew you were underaged, but _ fifteen _? I thought you were like a couple years older than that.” he stood from the couch, “Nope, nu-uh, I’m not stiffin’ about with a fifteen year old for six years. I’m outta here, maybe Katherine Hepburn is down for some fun,” and with a pop, he was gone.

“Didn’t he tell us he got herpes from Katherine Hepburn?” Adam asked Barbara, who nodded in agreement.

“Like you can catch a disease when you’re dead,” Juno snarked, taking another pull, stubbing out her smoke and conjuring yet another one as she seemed to be waiting for something.

There was a beat of silence, then Charles warily asked, “So, are we done here?”

“Not yet,” Juno replied, “Just give it a minute.” she glanced down at a watch on one of her wrists. She tapped it, then began counting down, “Three, two, one,”

And Beetlejuice slammed through the front door. Juno rolled her eyes, “Predictable as always son. Have fun with Katie?”

“I wish,” he growled, “What the fuck happened to me? I can’t-” he paused, remembering that there were other people in the room, and how damaging it would be to his rep.

“What’s a matter honey?” Juno said sarcastically, “Havin’ a little trouble with selective rigor mortis?”

“You bitch!” he roared, balling his hands into fists at his side. He knew his magic was useless against his own mother’s.

“As I’ve said a few times now, maybe the next time you get the idiotic idea to marry a breather you’ll read the fine print. Shit like this always comes with a cost.”

“I’m sorry, what’s going on here?” Adam asked, him and Barbara looking oblivious as anything.

“There’s a fidelity clause in our marriages,” Juno explained, “Junior here couldn’t be unfaithful even if he tried. Which as you just saw, he did.”

“Stupid fidelity clause,” Beetlejuice grumbled under his breath, “Don’t matter how pretty the chick or hot the guy, can’t do a damn thing even if they’re beggin’,” he trailed off into muttered curses under his breath.

“So wait, the only one he can feel desire for… is Lydia?” the Maitlands realized with horror.

“Precisely,” Juno nodded, “You’re welcome.”

“I’m not going to thank you for that!” Charles yelled, jumping from his seat, “You need to do something about this. That, that, _ monster _ can’t be involved with my little girl,”

“Look, the best I can do I’ve already done,” Juno said, “He can’t touch her until she’s legal, and their relationship will stay completely platonic until that point. Not that that’ll be difficult, since one of ‘em can’t seem to stand the other, a feeling I know all too well,” she took another drag.

“What about keeping him away from her completely?” Charles asked.

“I’m afraid that’s not really your decision,” Juno said, “She’s the one in the middle of this, so she’s the one with the power. Even if ya send him back, he’ll still have contact with her. And I should add, the punishment on Lydia is that _ she’s _ the one responsible for him now.”

“_ WHAT! _” Lydia exclaimed, “Why am I-”

“Next time think before ya marry someone, even if it _ is _ to off ‘em,” Juno chided, “The semantics are something you’ll have to decide between yourselves. Send him back if ya like, but know that any damage he does is on your bill. Thank your lucky stars daddy’s rich honey, I speak from experience when I tell you Lawrence’s antics can get… _ expensive _ . Now, I’m takin’ off on a long deserved vacation, after everything you two have done. Five-hundred years sounds like the right amount of time. The Netherworld can handle the Neitherworld’s antics so long as _ you _ ,” she pointed at Lydia, “Keep _ him _,” her hand moved to Beetlejuice, “in check.”

“Wait, _ Neitherworld _?” Barbara asked, “What’s that? I thought it was the Netherworld.”

“The Netherworld is the dark, dank, empty and infinite abyss,” Juno answered, “It’s where new arrivals come to serve their civil sentence. The Neitherworld is where those who have done their nickel can ‘live’ a normal day to day life, so to speak. I’m sure Beetle will be taking full advantage of you being able to traverse worlds, so you’ll probably be seeing a lot of that place. Now, if we’re done here; there’s a lawn chair in the Galapagross Islands with my name on it.”

With a snap of her fingers, Juno summoned a door from the wall. It opened into the infinite green abyss. But just as she reached the frame, she paused, “Oh, that’s right. There’s one thing I almost forgot,” she strode back over to Lydia and pulled out a scrap of paper, “That’s the incantation you’ll need to say in order to bridge the gap between life and death. Memorize it, and don’t let that scrap get into the wrong hands. Got it?” Lydia nodded mutely, “Good. well, I’m done here. Enjoy what’s left of your limited little mortal lives, and I’ll see you reporting for duty by the time I get back from vacation. Ta ta!” she waved without turning around as she headed back to the door and closing it back into a wall behind her.

Everyone looked around, not sure of how to proceed next. In the end, it was Lydia who took charge, “Well,” she sighed, turning her attention to Beetlejuice, “Looks like you and I need to have a talk.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment and let me know if I should continue. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate you guys. See you next time


End file.
